


Teach you how to be a mom

by Withmyshirttuckedinandmyshoesuntied



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean POV, Dean Winchester does everything for Sam, Dean Winchester is a good mom, Dean deserved better, If you couldn’t tell this is pretty much all about dean, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester’s A+ parenting, John was abusive, M/M, asshole Mary Winchester, based off of 12x13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 21:36:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20553062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Withmyshirttuckedinandmyshoesuntied/pseuds/Withmyshirttuckedinandmyshoesuntied
Summary: “ I’m playing three decades of catch up”My take on the conversation that takes place afterwards.Dean opens up about being a mom to Sam, everything he sacrificed, his love for cas, and most importantly he chooses Sammy over Mary.





	Teach you how to be a mom

**Author's Note:**

> Thinking about doing this from Sams POV. Let me know if you like this, this is by far the longest thing I’ve written. I’m not super happy with the end but kudos are appreciated and any comments would make my day!!!

I am playing three decades of catch up”  
“And we’re not?”I ask incredulously. “ because while you were in heaven with your happy little family and your happy little life WE were down here being trained, groomed to be perfect little soldiers by your perfect little husband. “ she tightened her jaw and leaned her head back as something so very Winchester crosses her face I almost let out a laugh. I didn’t though. 

“ When you died you got thirty three years of heaven. YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I GOT? Huh Mary? I got an alcoholic son of a bitch for a dad, a shotgun, and orders to protect Sammy.” I know this is a bad path. I know that once I start who knows when I’ll stop but I can’t bring myself to give a shit. 

“I was six the first time I held I gun. I couldn’t read and I couldn’t write but damn if I couldn’t shoot a guy in the head. Sammy was a baby, a BABY and he was left in the custody of a four year old and you know what, I did my goddamn best. For years I did everything for him. To protect him and keep him safe and maybe give him what I didn’t have. For years I thought if I could just be good and I could be a proper soldier then maybe my dad would tell me he loves me, spoiler alert- he doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean I stop trying.” I see Sam start to get defensive and tighten up beside me but fuck it. At this point I might as well go on 

“I start driving at twelve so that way when dad is in a mood I can at least take Sammy to a sleepover. I learn how to take a punch at 8, a kick to the stomach that same year, and when I turn nine, heh, I’m blessed with the knowledge of what it feels like to have a cigarette burn on your stomach. It doesn’t stop there though because fuck why would it? My relationship with Sammy starts to turn because when I’m 15 I discover girls and pool and spend most of my nights trying to win one or the other; or thats what I tell him”. I know that what I’m about to say is big. Honestly I don’t even know if she deserves to know, I’m sure as hell not thrilled for Sammy to be hearing this, but my eyes are watering and I’m shaking with rage because goddamnit I didn’t deserve it either. So I head on- deciding I’ll deal with the consequences later. 

“I tell him that because he might be pissed at me but it’s better than the knowledge that his older brother is really on his knees in a bar bathroom with some older guys hands in my hair taking it like a good little whore. Sucking dick for a twenty, lettin’ em fuck me for a fifty all so that Sam can eat some actual food. “ Sams resolve crumbles and I see his knees start to buckle as he starts tearing up but I’m too focused on the look currently on Mary’s face. Disgusted, upset, I don’t give enough of a fuck to really decipher it. 

“Fuck man, I never told anyone that. There are so many things I’ve kept secret and why? What was so worth it that I kept everything down, didn’t cry didn’t feel, anything but anger. I can tell you why- Because when I was seventeen dad had told me ‘ you better keep yourself in check boy. I didn’t raise no queer and I won’t let that shit rub off on Sammy’ I still remember that conversation clear as day.” What I don’t share is the beating I got minutes before after my dad caught me with the first real and true love of my life, Daniel. I refuse to let his memory be tarnished by Mary. She doesn’t deserve to know. I continue on. 

“That conversation which,despite the fact he is burning in hell where he belongs, is the reason I’ve also never told my best friend I’m in love with him EIGHT YEAR AND IM STILL TOO FUCKING SCARED.” Yet another secret that i simply couldn’t stop. I’m too far along to even if I wanted to. I almost worry, but the anxiety will come later and I will treat it with a few shots of tequila and a fifth of whiskey. As per usual 

“So you can preach all your bullshit to someone else. I don’t give a shit about what you want or how hard this is for you because at the end of the day, my priority is still protecting Sammy, and it’s obviously not yours.” By the end of it I’m more tired than anything else, tired of dead beat dads and backstabbing moms and tired of constantly having to keep it held together. An ugly sound fills the air and as I look around I realize it came from me, only then do I realize there are tears streaming down my face. In a hasty movement I wipe them off and, grabbing some whiskey on the way, storm off to my room. 

“ wait! Dean- please just hear me out. I know you’re mad but please just listen to me. I’m your mom. I love you more than anything else. I can’t change what happened to you while I was gone but we can start again together, this was a blessing- a miracle, and if we all work then we can be a family again. Just like you want” desperation seeping through her voice, I can tell she actually means it. Too bad I don’t care anymore. 

“ too little too late Mary. Thing is, I’m tired of working, for once I would like to be loved without having to work for it or earn it. You know what, I do have that, I have that with cas who YOU almost go killed. I need to talk to him and sort some shit out, and you- well you, need to  
talk to someone who gives a shit what you have to say” I should be feeling something, anything, for fucks sake I just told the one person I wished for the most growing up to take a long walk off a short pier, but instead I’m greeted my the old familiar numbness that I’ve become connected to by now. 

Once I’m safely in my room I pull out my phone and call the only person who can calm me down right now 

“ Hello Dean”  
“ hey buddy, you have a few minutes to talk? Maybe flap you feathery ass on over here”  
“ of course dean” 

Its a few love confession, tear filled hours later when I’m wrapped up in the arms of my angel head listening to the steady beat of the heart I yearned for for years, when I think to myself 

Fuck John, fuck Mary too. Sammy, cas, and baby, I’ve got everything I need right here with me. 

Who knows, maybe one day she’ll come to her senses, maybe one day I can teach her how to be a mom, but right now, I’m home , and that’s enough.


End file.
